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teh lex.

[ website | lexevans.com ]
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[01 Nov 2017|10:01pm]

I’m doing the keto diet!

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[11 Oct 2017|11:22pm]

I’ve been off the band wagon for the last month.

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[08 Jul 2017|05:09am]

I get to see Marcus today for the first time in 6 months! I am so excited it is bizarrely making me tired, like too high a magnitude of an emotion to fully support so my immediate response is full system shutdown. I can't wait to reach out and touch him again. 💕

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[04 Feb 2016|05:34am]
I am an incredible mixture of anxious and depressed and excited. I have a hard time focusing my attention on good mantras, things to keep me in a positive headspace while I work through the incredible life changes im barreling through. Having broke up with Josh in November, deciding to quit my job to hike the AT, going to Japan, and now being homeless and couch surfing, it's been a lot to handle.

I've been running a lot, to try to work off my anxious energy, but I'm eating way too little, because I have absolutely no appetite (see: constant state of low-level panic). I'm probably down to 130 now, maybe less; enough people comment on now skinny I look. I feel good at least, it's nice being back to a college-weight, but I need to get back to a normal eating schedule (not helped by, you know, not living anywhere). Eating high-calorie on the trail is going to be so important, so I need to get that together as well.

The breakup is going okay. As good as any 5-year relationship coming to a screeching halt can, I suppose. I don't think about him, or miss him, which I think in part shows how emotionally uninvolved I was by the end. In less thrilling news, I basically jumped immediately into the deep end of the dating/hooking up pool with reckless abandon. I know it wasn't the safest move, but I thought I was in an okay headspace; I knew I was filling a void, but I thought being conscious of it was some form of protection against most I'll-effects. Surprise! Wrong. I got involved with a co-worker, who ended up not wanting to continue things (he said it was because I was leaving, and despite liking me, but my trash brain only hears quiet whispers of, "wasn't that a nice-guy way of saying 'I'm actually just not that into you at all'"), and I can't even tell you how much it messed me up, is still messing me up. Utterly gutted; something about that rejection, so soon after the dissolution of my last relationship...it was like so much salt on a wound. And it's scabbing over and I just can't. Stop. Picking it open. As some quote goes, it's a hard thing to have love, and no where to put it.

Japan was a 3-week romp that I've talked through too many times to count, and many more to come, so suffice it to say: an excellent time had by all.

I'm currently homeless, as co-habitating isn't an option for me. I'm writing this at 5:15am from a couch recline--yesterday night I got drinks with some co-workers, and then was sneak attacked by aforementioned boy and our other friend, and got too drunk and stayed out too late and was too hungover all day, came home at 6 and slept till 11, then have been sleeping intermittently from then on. It's weird, to be living out of a pile, to have no roots in people or places. I'm pretty risk adverse, and while I never was consciously 'creating' a life, it was creating itself--boyfriend (at one time, potential husband), shared home (with loose talks of buying), knowing if life got hard someone (YOUR person) had your back both emotionally and stability-wise. I feel stripped, standing under a bright light in harsh relief, and I'm not entirely recognizing what's left in the wake of it all. I feel like I need to re-learn what it means to be me, if that makes sense. I feel stupid, like I don't do Cool Things, or read enough to watch enough or talk enough. I can't imagine making a connection with a completely new person, because I feel so suddenly incomplete on my own. Boy, I am not good for anyone right now, am I.

The hike, will be good for this. I need to build up confidence, and I need to be alone for a while. I need a chance to maybe, remake who I am into someone I more want to be, which is hard when the shadows of your former life lurk all around you. I'm scared, not of the act, but of the thing itself--I am not that girl. Who am I possibly kidding? And how will I feel if I fail,if which there's a very real possibility of? If there's one thing I'm certainly no good at, it's being kind to myself.

Asking the tough questions in the early hours of the morning. For now, I need to scrounge some food up, and then I think go for a run. I've been averaging 5 miles these days, which is a great accomplishment. I can remember when 1 felt insurmountable, and here I am just banging them out. I've got dope new muscles in my legs, and yoga is getting easier too. And, I said it already but, I'm finally feeling good about how I look. It's nice, at least, to not have that to analyze and beat myself up over, since thats been a bristling point for me for so long. Control, I guess--we take it where we can get it.
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[19 Mar 2015|12:31am]
oh gosh, i just made myself kind of sad. wait! back up.

i ran my half marathon! 13.1 miles, last sunday. almost as soon as it was over it felt a million years away; it sounds crazy, but after months of preparing, it was kind of just another 'long run'. hard! but not as crazy is it sounded at the offset. i am currently trying to figure out my next physical fitness goal (probably incorporating weight lifting), and figuring out how in the world a person is supposed to stretch their hips? my hips still hurt sheesh.

in the last few weeks before the run, work was also kicking my ass. we're doing some serious work that revolves around insurance, which means i have to...understand how insurance works. which i do! now. but fuck what a long, confusing road that was. i wrap a lot of my self-worth up in performance at my job, and just came to the conclusion (talking to a coworker) that my boss never says 'good job'. that's not to say he's an asshole—he's actually very pragmatic, as the dutch apparently are—but he's not effusive, and being in a place where his job is basically to critique all of our work, it can be disheartening to only hear about things that need to be changed/updated, or things that you've missed/interpreted wrong. i feel a little millennial just writing that out, but i don't think it's coming from a coddled place, really. positive reinforcement is important for everyone, everywhere. why shouldn't we be nice to each other about the work we do that takes up 5/7 of our weekly lives?

anyways. the run was stressing me out more than i realized (i know that i'm not very good at 'being bad' at things, and i especially hate doing things for the 'first time', it just makes me anxious), and work was stressing me out, but the race happened sunday, and i just presented all my work on tuesday and it went AWESOMELY, so i'm currently enjoying my week-long sabbatical from working out, and today i worked from home so i could focus on solving the visual design problems of the plan i presented tuesday.

well, as things sometimes happen, i got a little...distracted. for some reason, i ended up trying to visit sfx64.com, which i think i had known but then forgotten, is officially dead. this is super sad, because the part of my life that that website represents is pretty huge—it was my first foray into community. i don't mean that in a 'lol posting on messageboards!', i mean, honestly, making friends. we had moved so many times up until we ended up in NJ (where i started school in the 6th grade), that i had mostly stopped connecting with people. never really having the skills or the disposition to be social, coupled with a somewhat-jaded perspective after having to do this over (and have it go poorly in some cases)...well, you just stop trying. but then! i rented starfox 64 from blockbuster, and holy shit! for some reason, i loved that game. i loved animals, and i loved that the animals were like people (i also really liked shows like the original MLP, maple town, original littlest petshops; i was not a doll kind of girl), and that it was this scifi/fantasy genre. wish i could remember the site before sfx64.com, i remember i had barely gotten an aol handle (dobydude16, thanks beanie baby craze), and i had found a website that was solely based on roleplaying in the starfox universe, as a member of this 'intergalactic military team' that was like, offbrand starfox, but in the same universe, if you dig it. you had to be accepted, and to be accepted had to create a persona that you would roleplay as; and so, sage o'neill was born. i was not terribly creative; she's a red fox (like fox mccloud—i see what you did there), blonde hair, traditional markings, blah blah. but i got in! and was so excited, until i was told there was a program i needed to install (the roleplaying wasn't web based, it was a chat client you had to download i guess? looking back it was probably an IRC channel, but christ that was a bit over my head as a kid with pretty limited access to the internet), and our computer didn't support it. balls.

from there i somehow found my way to sfx64.com, probably googling other roleplaying starfox communities. i can actually remember my first post, because i didn't quite yet understand how messageboards worked; in my mind it was all real-time, like a chat room (i also used to frequent vampire AOL chatrooms? i was a weird kid. i think some of those people are still in my aim buddy list, which i have open every day...). so when i had to log off and go to bed, i literally 'extracted' her from the dialogue, instead of just leaving it as it was to come back to after school the next day, haha. and man, those were the days. so much new stuff to read, all kinds of stupid little online 'relationships', making emoticons sprites of everyones characters (i wish aol hadn't gotten rid of hometown pages; i just tried to look it up, but not even the wayback machine can resurrect it beyond http://hometown.aol.com/skitzokitty701), and roleplaying hijinks. every so often a 'cannon' roleplay would happen, which was about the JFA (justice federation alliance i believe?) doing...military space things? honestly couldn't give you more into that, none of the specifics stick out. it's just..the feel of the thing, you know?

by late high school i was sort of normal, going to parties and getting drunk and having real boyfriends and, generally not spending as much time online roleplaying, or playing day of defeat (my other middle school timewaster), or gogaia (i logged in there as well to see what was up; it's such a crap site). same with college. but about twice a year i would find myself tooling around on the computer, typing in that address and just seeing what was up. every time there were less and less of the 'oldbies', and after a certain amount of time, people i didn't even know were being considered 'oldbies'. and then, one day last year i suppose, it just all shut down—puffy stopped paying for the hosting or what-have-you, and that was that.

this, of course, spurred me to go creeping back down a lot of overgrown internet paths. there was an OTG group put together on deviantart, though the last post was in 2011. i wrote on a few deviantart walls of some people i still had a vague connection to (read: they would see my username and get a nostalgia tingle, not that we were ever super great friends), ended up even clicking through some livejournals (not even just starfox, but general furry artists that were active/popular in the early 2000's). it's weird, now that tumlbr is so popular, and such an easy channel to consume content through and to upload content to, that all of these other channels are quietly withering away. going to people's deviantart pages, not even starfox people, but artists i eventually came to admire (in some cases, sort-of befriend) as an offshoot of starfox (funnily enough, i feel like most of their entry into the 'furry' world came from sonic), so many of them havn't been updated since 2008, 2010, 2012. in my mind, that wasn't that long ago, until you realize that it's march of 2015. i guess it's true; this year i turn 29. one of the artists who was a huge inspiration for me (ayzewi.com) has, i believe, an 8 year old kid now. i used to sit in my american studies class and try my very best to draw exactly like her, not understanding what key she had unlocked that i was missing, being dark and brooding and misunderstood. i still can't listen to our lady peace without being taken back in time.

and, so. my few feelers out, i'm not optimistic of hearing anything back. and even if someone responded, will i even think to check deviantart to look for a response? and if someone reached out, what am i hoping to say? it's less of that communication, and more just..knowing that it's there. when diary-x got trashed, it was a huge amount of my middle and highschool musings that were lost. i would /do things/ to get those sentiments back. and now, the way the internet is...i guess it's hard to imagine things ever NOT being accessible. that sites shut down, crash. that people stop making time for things; that they move forward, and don't feel compelled to look back. that in this world of content permanence, where you have to be careful who you send your nudes to if you ever want to get into college, that some things only become memories. this is aging, i suppose. too bad i am a grown up child-adult. le sigh.

we're just so far away from those nights, staying up late with a soda and some snacks, typing away in the near darkness on message boards, shading bad lineart scans in paint shop pro because photoshop was inaccessible, of playing 1v1 day of defeat with a stranger in ohio for /years/, of checking on neopets and sleepovers with my neighbor listening to the armageddon soundtrack and coming up with 'movie scene's of what would be happening in a starfox plotline during the instrumental tracks.

all i have are these memories, blurring at the edges. i can't help but feel a profound sense of loss.
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[10 Nov 2014|12:52am]
i'm feeling...good. it's 12:31pm, which is incredibly past my bedtime, but i'm feeling good. it's a little disconcerting, how tightly woven my mood is to my ability to achieve/complete things but, there you go.

it was a productive weekend! 12 hours of sleep from friday>saturday, then a lazy saturday of doing not much followed by a really nice night out with josh, that ended up going a little toooo long (we put our name in for a ramen place with a 2.5 hour wait, went somewhere else for apps and beers, then got coffee and dessert, and then came back and still had like an hour which we waited, even though we were both full and not really in the mood to stand around. in the end i couldn't even finish my ramen, it was a bummer. and then immediately to a birthday party at a too-loud bar for josh's group of friends, which is fine and all but he was totally checked out and not being very social), but all in all was a really nice night, and the first time we've done something like that in a while (just kind of wander the city, seeing where the night takes us).

we finally had our budget talk! it went okay, and is really good that we're on the same page about things. it's really making me realize how MUCH I LIKE SHOPPING. it's really at odds with my hatred of owning too many things. it's really important now, since we're talking more regularly about this England/Ireland move: what would we try to bring? what would we do with stuff we didn't want to bring, but also didn't want to get rid of (since i'm erring on the side of caution, and assuming we'll be back)? why do we both own so many shoes and sweatshirts and only wear the same 2-4 things over and over? is it possible to build credit over there while we're still here? how much do we need saved so we can afford to move, and to also travel while we're there (since that's the biggest reason we'd be going)? this move is exciting but frightening, which means it's the right thing to do. i've never been in that kind of situation though, to be so utterly and totally displaced. it'll be good for josh and i; we need to find out how we work, outside of situations we know/understand/feel comfortable with. he's already said he refuses to stay in hostels; sometimes i wish we were more on the same page than we are, but i guess that's just life/people/relationships sometimes!

i've been sick for two weeks, a sickness that ran the full spectrum of bad feelings (sore throat/headaches/nausea/bodyvaches/cough/stuffy and runny nose, all at separate times over 14 days), and through which i had to work because work has been a little obtuse, and i've not had the luxury of stepping back and taking care of myself. couple busy work with busy freelance, a lot of friend expectations, and i've generally been running on empty.

maybe that's why i'm feeling so good! this weekend i took control of some things, which made me feel calmer. all the laundry is hung up/put away, the kitchen is (generally) clean, i put up our xmas decorations because I LOVE THEM and love living around our small tree and it's twinkly lights when we turn off the overheads and hang out. went for a run today for the first time in a while, and designed up a printable weekly one-sheeter to keep track of what i'm planning on doing, vs. what i'm actually doing.

this whole fitness journey has been really great, and has really put me in tune with my body. i finally notice how poorly i feel when i'm not moving around, both physically and mentally (procrastination is something that controlled a lot of my life growing up, and i refuse as much as possible to let it monopolize my attentions), and while i've started with certain goals, it's been interesting to see them evolve. for example, i'm less worried about my ability to run, since my lungs and legs seem to have vaguely gotten their shit together, and am starting to think about my upper body and core, how they're not really doing their part in this adventure. need to start doing weights again, and more core exercises, because our bodies are a giant machine! if only it was as simple as dealing with one or two specifics. the winter time has always been more for me a time of redos—when spring hits, i'd like to bring with it the fruits of many months of hard labor, as opposed to crawling out from hibernation, eyes blinking into the sun. plus, cold air somehow seems easier on my lungs.

next weekend josh and i have commandeered the entire weekend to a clean-and-purge! i'm hoping we can get rid of a lot of things—i can't remember her name, but i read an article about a japanese woman who has gotten famous for her organizing techniques, one of which is to ask yourself "does it bring you joy?". not will it, or could it in the right circumstances, but does it, right then. and if it doesn't, out it goes! all of this is to ease the inevitable process of moving, hopefully making it much easier for future us to deal with.

ahh, it's so late. and i'm trying to be good and get into work at 9 these days. to bed!
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[25 Apr 2014|09:56pm]

It is 9:54. I have worked 8 hours, taken 1 freelance call, and run 3 miles. I have 557964378 things to clean up in our bedroom, but instead I'm IN said bed, having taken my 1st shower in 4 days. This week has been exhausting, but even so the fact I'm in bed makes me feel so goddamn old.

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[09 Feb 2014|11:49am]
It's 11am on a Sunday, and I'm sitting alone in my quiet living room while the sun pours in through the three windows facing the school across the street. There's two other people in the house, but they're all still asleep.

What's been going on in my life? I feel like I've recently caught up with a few old faces, and realized the answer to that is, a lot, and not much at all. There's some broad strokes that are very, very new, but when you bring them up, it just doesn't sound like much to anyone but me.

At the end of February it will be 6 months of solid working out, starting from the beginning of August 2013. This is very exciting! I have never worked out longer than a month before, and I have been going 4-6 days a week to the gym or running outside (mostly gym since the world decided to give us a real winter this year, and I'm not fond of the idea of busting my ass on the icy sidewalk). The scale isn't really important, as I'm building a lot of muscle with high-resistance cardio and weight machines, but I definitely have been feeling a lot better. It's funny when people say you need three months to make something routine; after six, I'm still not sure I'm there yet. Biggest thumbs up is that I'm finding it less desirable to talk myself out of a work out these days, mostly because I know how much work I have behind me, and the idea of taking a break and potentially losing that is incredibly depressing. I have a lot of plans this summer, and none of them involve being really down about my body.

It's also the hardest I think I've ever worked for something. I've always been very talented, or as my parents would say, a B+ student without trying. Literally: no effort. Which is super cool, because that knack has gotten me pretty far, in my profession, in my relationships. Stuff just seems to work. But when it doesn't, woosh. I'm a mess. This has been a really good exercise in having to work really hard for something, something that it's taking a long time to see results for. I still zig-zag between looking in the mirror and being able to see a slight carving of the work I've done, and looking and seeing just the same old soft, lumpy Alex. It's teaching me patience, something I have 0% of—typically if something was going to take long, I'd drop it or move on. That's why I have so many projects started, but when it comes down to really putting in the elbow grease, I just sort of putter out.

So that's exciting! Making this investment in myself is really going to do wonders for so many things—wearing what I want, staving off depression, giving my day structure, and hell, when I go to the gym these days I put show episodes on my kindle fire and watch shit! I watched all of Homeland that way, it was a great way to watch something without being a slug on the couch.

Speaking of slugs on the couch: Josh and I got a cat! His name is Taco, and he started as a foster that has just sort of stuck around. I am not a cat person, but I do have to say it's nice to have something moving around the house. Apartment living is rough; I HATE the litter box, which lives in the living room and stinks up the entire first floor every time he uses it. A friend of mine taught her new cat to go in the toilet, so we have that ahead of us. He's also destroying my furniture, but at this point it's already destroyed visually, so what's really the harm anymore.

He's very sweet, though being a street cat you can tell that he grew up on his own, so has weird quarks that I think come from just not spending a lot of time with other cats. He doesn't have the best balance, loves sitting on people and getting scratches, and biting you. Josh plays way too rough with him, and has cuts all over his hands (only from teeth though, he never really uses claws). I'm not into that at all, so when he gets frisky I just walk away. No thanks, bud.

What else, what else. My good friend Meg has been living with us since November during the week, as she's been gearing up for a move to the west coast, and when her lease was up in October and she couldn't manage to re-sign it, decided to spend her time commuting from home (NJ) to work (NYC). She doesn't get along with her folks very well though, and was having a really hard time with the commute (~2 hours each way), so Josh agreed that she could crash here during the week so she wasn't waking up at 5:30am and getting home at 8pm every day. It's been alright, she generally has a lot of stuff to do during the week after work, and we agreed that for the most part she would just come in and go up to her 'room' (our office), so that we could still feel like we were having private time in our house.

That's been a little bit less the case as time as worn on; obviously I'm glad she feels comfortable, but sometimes you just don't want to chat with people at the end of the day, ya know? She's also very nervous about this move, so every. single. conversation. eventually turns to that. And when I say eventually I guess I mean immediately. It's kind of tiring to have someone never really ask what's going on with you, or to explore anything you say. Like I said, she's my best friend, but there's a reason that I never really sought out living with her. It's just a little bit of overload; that said though, I'm really glad to help out, because I know what a chore the commuting is (I did it for the first year after i graduated, to pay off some credit card debt and save up dolla-dolla-billz for first/last/deposits). She's off to the left coast February 16th, so it'll be interesting to see how the apartment feels after that. We also had another friend who has now since moved into the city that would crash with us 1-4 days a week (on the couch, since the office was occupied haha) for the same reason: graduated from grad school, moved home and was commuting from there, but he would have work stuff that required him to be working by 7:30, so that made the commute RIDICULOUS. So we've literally become a halfway house for wayward friends and cats, but it's been a good ride.

Josh has been so sweet about all of it, too. A year or two ago he would have been completely wound up about it, hating every second of it, so it's really a mark that he's chilling out a bit. It's always baffled me that Josh was the kind of guy that had set up a lot of 'life rules' that he followed without ever really thinking about, or addressing every so often to make sure that they were actually in his best interests. I find when people do that, they end up making decisions based on this completely arbitrary set of standards, most of which are just things they've fallen into without any real conscious application, it's never in their best interests. Setting up reasons why you can or can't do things is ridiculous; no two situations are the same, and while it's good to have a general compass to help point you in a direction, to say things are so black and white as that is gross.

Tangent! So, as my friend Jackie said, we'll soon be 'empty nesters', haha.

Back on the subject of doing things that are hard, I've started picking up some small freelance projects again. Money has started to bother me a lot—there's some Life Rules™ that I'm hitting (my retirement shit is fucking baller, over 50k saved up, which when you think I started when I was 21 means I'm going to have like 45 years of compounding on that), but the ones I'm not are how much you're supposed to have saved in liquid as an emergency fund (at least 6 months of your current salary, ideally 1 year). That's a decent chunk of change, and suddenly I woke up and realized I turn 28 this year. No longer can I say, "Oh, go on then Alex and get X, you're so ahead of your peers in Y way!". Now I need a savings account that is higher than the 5 grand I've always had, which means I need to be a lot more conscious of money. It's hard to juggle my personal credit card and our shared card (I use my credit card for everything, I find it's a better snapshot of my habits, and means I automatically have access to past trends—I just pay it off every time I get paid, which also means lots of points over the years, and buyers protection on travel and large purchases like bikes or TVs), and our rent is very high, even by NYC standards. I also do a lot of traveling, so freelance has been needed to make sure every paycheck I'm putting 333$ away (666$ a month), which even still means that, if I manage to keep the trend 100%, is only 14,000$. I need about 3x that much to be in the clear, which means that's three years of solidly saving. In three years I'll be 31!! Josh will be 35! Yikes. So, yeah, freelance has been a good way of offsetting my expenses, and I've managed to not take on any projects that are really too taxing, since by the end of the day I'm pretty bushed.

Speaking of travel, this year I've got a couple of things lined up. My friends and I are going to Whistler to go skiing, which will mark my first time in Canada! It's a week-long trip with old high school friends (and one college friend who most of them ended up living with), which will include one of their birthdays, Pi day (3/14/2014), St. Patricks Day, and something else I'm forgetting. Should make for a crazy good time! My brother is also graduating, and while I'm still trying to figure out how to broach the subject, I'd really like us to go on a europe backpacking trip for like, 3 weeks. I'm not sure how to swing it—he already has his graduation gift (a car, that he got when he was a Junior because he needed it out in Colorado), so my parents are basically out on that. He also needs a job, and I understand will be having to pound the pavement pretty hard to get something set up. That said, if he found something, he could ask for the month reprieve to do this trip, but I'm not even really sure if he'd be that interested? We're about 6 years apart, and have never been super close, mostly because we've always been at such separate points in our lives. But now that he's out of school, and will be taking care of himself, I think he'll really grow up and into himself. So, we'll see how that goes, but either way it's kind of an expensive thing to do, I'd definitely need like 3-4 grand just to make that happen I'm sure (even if we're doing everything like college students, which would definitely be expected). Josh and I are also overdue for a trip (one that isn't a debacle, like Amsterdam last year, sheesh), so that's another expense I'll have to plan for. Maybe we'll just do something easy like France, or some sort of resort-y place? I have so many places I want to go, but it'd be nice to just have an easy-going trip without the pressure of having to see and do a ton. Maybe closer to spring, and then we could do stuff like go to Marsailles? Which I've never done, and bike around and stuff. We also have some domestic trips lined up; camping up at Lake George, which was SO MUCH FUN last year. You rent a boat which you take to the ISLAND THAT YOU CAMP ON. It's so baller, we just get drunk all day and get to sleep in tents and wake up and it's beautiful and and. I'm trying to convince friends to go, but I'm not sure if anybody is going to take the plunge…it's one of those things I think you have to see to believe. Then we've obviously got Maine at some point, though the timing on that is a little wonky, so has yet to be figured out. I'm trying not to do that thing I do, where I over plan my summer during winter, cause winter is boring and shitty, and then when it comes time I'm totally blasted with stuff to do and am exhausted.

Art is also more on the horizon. I've always believed that artists put more of themselves in their art than they realize; whenever you find a picture of an artist who has a consistent body of work, I typically find a lot of similarities between how they look, and how they draw people. I've always had really low self-confidence in my appearance, and I feel like that's been a very big stumbling block with my art; I don't want to draw squishy, lumpy fat Sage, I want her to be svelte and fit, but it's hard to draw that when it doesn't feel real. We'll see how that goes, but I do need to put more time into illustrating. It's easy to scroll through my Tumblr dash and see so much beautiful art, that I'm satisfied enough just looking. It's a muscle, just like the ones I'm working on my real body, and it's about time I started working it out more consistently.

Stuff with Josh, as I said, has been really good. I like how I don't ever feel scared with him, scared I'll say something or do something and he'll just bolt and be done with me. I think sometimes I push that boundary a little bit, but it's really so refreshing to feel completely at ease with someone in a way that makes you honest, with them and yourself. We still have some stuff to work out (we don't have sex nearly enough, but that's mostly me…I keep telling myself that once I'm in better shape it'll be better, but that doesn't mean there should be a blanket hold on it altogether—off topic), but I'm getting really close with his friends, and I feel like after a long time (4 years this valentines day!) he's starting to become more of a fixture in my group (which is a hard nut to crack, lemmetellyou). The only thing that worries me about him is how uninterested he is in taking care of his body. I admit I'm kind of going overboard, but if I'm getting too into working out, he's at the other end of the scale doing jack-shit. It worries me, because he does have some health stuff to take into consideration, but I feel like he just kind of lets future-Josh deal with that kind of stuff. He smokes a ton of weed, which doesn't bother me in and of itself, but he (like a european) always cuts it with cigarette tobacco, which means he's effectively smoking half a cigarette every day. And even though the basics of weed don't have negative effects, actually burning it to smoke it does (you're just inhaling all that burning matter into your lungs after all). I'm very cognizant of how my decisions are going to effect me in the future, and these days am very interested in setting up solid foundations to build on in the future, so it's a little disconcerting to look at him and see none of that. Hopefully when I'm totally ripped from all this working out he'll feel a nudge to get his act together, we'll see ;).

So, yeah! Nothing super awesome like big moves, or new jobs, or new hobbies, but definitely have stuff percolating. I've been really happy these last 6 months being kind of selfish, and setting up systems for myself so that hopefully, future-Alex will have some solid change for the better. And who knows what will come after that!
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[14 Nov 2013|12:25am]

I keep moving in more and more. This place is too expensive, and we can't own a dog here, and yet, I find myself settling in more and more and more. And I keep waffling about London--living overseas needs to happen, but what if it's a mistake? What if we have to come crawling back here, him in his mid 30s and I in my early, and start over?

And then I realize that I keep getting art framed, and painting walls and buying furniture. That my actions seem to battle my words, like some part is either waiting for me to chicken out, or else cautioning me quietly that just because you think you should, doesn't mean you must. I want to be a wanderer, I want to have adventures, but I want a home, a solid ground; a longing for consistency that I lacked as a kid seems to bleed in from the edges. You can't let it go, while keeping it too--you've got to make a choice.

Maybe that's a life wasted--a life spent waiting for the choice to be made for you.

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[11 Oct 2013|08:47am]

We finished our 4-day hike of the Inca Trail to Machu Piccu yesterday! Officially the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm now writing this snuggled up in our hotel under one-million blankets, wishing I never had to get up. My leg muscles are screaming, and my lungs feel full (very cough-y, probably from all the rapid temperature changes + exhaustion, hopefully it doesn't become anything else), but otherwise, WHAT a trip! I honestly can't believe we did it, and was so glad I was working out 6-days a week for the two months leading up. We only had one case of small altitude sickness in our group of 5, otherwise everyone was golden. Going to bed at 11 after getting our first alcoholic drink last night (in my case in over two weeks) was the latest we've been in bed by two hours. Crazy to think yesterday I was up at 2:45, on the trail by 4. WHAT. Will share a pic or two here later, and assuredly in Facebook if we're friends :) South America is beautiful, as Mark Adams put it, in a lonely way. As an American the omnipresent poverty stirs up a whole mess of white guilt, and a re-ignited appreciation for what I get to go home to. Our shit isn't perfect--far from it--but it's home.

Now, to try to put on every article of clothing I own as we breakfast, then wander the streets until outlet 5pm pickup for our red-eye. My friend had the brilliant idea to book us a room one night at the Trump hotel, where we will get our knotted muscles worked out and watch Indiana Jones movies and generally feel hella-good about our accomplishments. And then, back to real life! I'm excited to get back into working out, as this trip has lost me some weight and jump started...a lot of my muscle groups. Goal is to keep with it a year and see what happens!

Next up: Africa 2014 and Japan 2015! Travel is the best thing to spend money on, hands down. Josh and I are overdue for a lazy trip somewhere too, though Croatia might have to wait in favor of something quick and dirty. Then I guess the list goes Ireland, Australia, Germany, Italy, maybe Turkey? Cambodia, China (blech, but needs to be done)...the world is so big, and I can't wait to keep experiencing it!

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[20 Sep 2013|12:08am]

Oh gosh, Josh and I just spent about 2 hours trying to clean our apartment after the embarrassing squalor we've been living in has culminated in the sad fact that we need a monthly maid. You'd think Josh being laid off for a month would have been a good excuse to begin some better habits, but I've been hitting the gym after full work days (aka coming home fried and not at all ready to do any chores), and Josh spent basically the entire month in as half-panic-attack state (aka not really in a place I felt comfortable harping on him that the least he could do with his new-found free time would be to pick up a mop or scrub a tub). We finally got this lady to call us back, and she's coming by promptly at 6 to scope the scene Monday.

...made total sense, when I made the appointment. We had a party in NJ on Saturday, but otherwise our first quiet weekend in almost a month. Except now, we're requested in Boston to attend the funeral of his uncle :(.

SO. Today was a flurry of trying to get the place in decent shape since our train back Sunday gets us in at 2:15am (so she doesn't think we're total slobs/a hard job and quote us a high hourly rate), coupled with trying to get myself in gear (gotta hate those showers when you're just overdue for, basically, all hair grooming below the eyebrows. Well, actually, the eyebrows super need it, but I don't think I can fit that in before I go...), and packing for the weekend. And I just crawled into bed a few minutes ago to see its midnight, blah. Being a grown up is tiring and expensive and I don't wanna. I finally picked up my puffy jacket for Machu Pichu though! Returned a cook set and picked up just two cup-bowls, and got myself a camp chair, so looking forward to some hiking trips in early October when we get back! I just want to be a ripped mountain-woman, is that really so much to ask.

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[12 Sep 2013|11:51pm]

My coworker noticed I lost weight! I've got a long way to go, but it's the small words of encouragement that seem to make the most impact, when your struggling to find the willpower.

Off to Maine tomorrow for four days! Hanging with my parents, simply cannot wait.

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[16 Jul 2013|09:57pm]
I have gotten very into the concept of backpacking. like…a little too much, perhaps? i feel a bit like a fraud every time i stop into REI to pick something else up, but i guess everyone has to start somewhere.

i'm not even sure exactly where it started. my friend's boyfriend i guess has been into it for a while, and while i've always been a fan of camping it's been a long time since that's popped into my head as an idea for an actual trip. bonnarroo doesn't count. something about the concept, though…that you're soley relying on your own body, and the decisions you made beforehand, of being outside and solitary, even with a partner. i love complete systems, and the efficiency of carrying everything you would need on your back is so intriguing.

sadly, this summer has already begun to get away from me. giving yourself only every other weekend to recuperate after other engagements really doesn't leave any time to make an impromptu trip. but i've been diligently collecting items and stowing them away, and when REI had their big memorial day sale josh and i picked up a ton of stuff like tents, sleeping pads, packs and the like at a discount. we had a fun time rummaging through everything afterwards, and put the tent up in the living room just to test it out, which was more fun than i'll relate. doing a pack was interesting too, as we generally have split things as me carrying the tent/fly/poles and first aid kit, while he carries the stove and the food. individually we have to carry our own water, sleeping bag and mat, pillow, toiletries, and misc stuff. we're going to do some much lighter camping two weekends from now at Lake George (on an island! we get to rent a boat!), which means i'll get a chance to actually use all my gear in the wild for the first time! josh wants to bring the larger tent, but i'm going to use the individual one to really get a sense of what it feels like. will be using my thin sleeping bag, though i did just use a coupon to get a warmer one for when it gets cooler out. so excited!

i've also started reading Wild by Cheryl Stayed, which is a really great window into a first timer (albeit with a lot more soul searching than i'm going in with). camping, hiking, being outside…this summer has just been so abysmal, i'm actually finding myself questioning why i live in NYC! imagine how nice a winter hike would be, something to do in the winter time (minus weather, i'm not that hxc)...
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[19 Feb 2013|11:51pm]

I literally do not understand how I have hair left on my head, I shed so much. It's like every movement I make ends with a "what's that on my arm/leg/sleeve/stomach...oh, another hair".

That is all.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[03 Feb 2013|12:52pm]
for the first time in what feels like weeks i've finally slept in until noon! what a good feeling, my entire being just feels so much more energized!

a quick update, as i (sadly) have to get some work-work done today, before heading to joshes' friends house for Le Super Bowl McSportsgame. we got the hallway painted!! you guys, you guys, you have idea how thrilled this makes me!! and yes, things like painting hallways make me happy, haha.

the green is ALMOST GONE. it's hard to tell below, but i was working with the random shots of the empty apartment that already existed:


ringling college of art and desk, bitches!



print from one of my mentors at school, robert farber


it really changes the feeling of the entire place! currently im sitting in our office, which other than our bedroom/the upstairs bathroom, are the last rooms that need to be painted. also, the guy that came to paint couldn't reach all the way to the top (sigh; the only reason i wanted to pay someone, since we couldn't reach all the way up there…), so at some point i'll have to handle that, not looking super forward…

got started on some prints for ye olde etsy store too! and also….

bought my voucher for our october trip to hike the  inca trail !!! so far it's four of my girlfriends, it's going to be awesome, and i'm excited to have something to actually drive my need to be working out (hiking at high altitude? currently, i would die, haha), kind of like the half marathon that never was! it's really hard to fit so many things into one day, and sometimes it just gets away from me and i spend a lot of energy beating myself up. it's a hard cycle to break (not that i've had any experience), but i would really like 2013 to be the year that i come to terms with my body; that i give it everything i have and get myself into that Unattainable Shape™, and then decide from there if its worthwhile, or if i can actually spend the rest of my life being on the soft side. my time is too precious to keep spending so much of it feeling bad about myself—i hope you guys can see it the same way!
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[28 Jan 2013|05:58pm]
another stolen monday! worked from home (without having even looked outside, to see that it was snowing like a motherfucker, and did so for most of the day—a great day to never get out of jammies!), all my stuff checked off for the day, and got started setting up some new stuff! had a bunch of projects come to completion since (i think?) i last wrote:

finished painting the living room! it's a (uhh, very bright) yellow, and was all painted by me, with some help by a good friend of mine! it really makes all the difference; originally, the whole place was painted this horrible robins-egg-blue (evverryyywhherrree), and since all the molding/doors/windows/etc are stained raw wood, it was just at odds. now that everything lives in the same warm-toned color family, though, everything looks so much more intentional! the furnishings have been in place for a while, so its crazy that it literally took a new paint job to truly bring it all together:

i returned that coffee table; was too out of place

my parents also came in for a nets game a few weeks ago, and my mom offered to help me fix up our scary-murder-bathroom! i've lamented about it to josh, who would shoot me down with the 'god damnit it's a rental!' argument, without realizing that with just some elbow grease and something like 30$ (50$ after buying paint) would make it SO MUCH NICER. the side-by-side isn't exact, but it used to have this really weird, hunting-lodge green wallpaper which made the whole room feel like a hole (typically we use the sconces as the light, as it's the first lightswitch you can find). while i was at work one day my mom threw up some paintable wallpaper, but even just with the white on top it's a whole new room! i bought a nice light grey, and mom outdid herself AGAIN and turned around, went home (post game, good food and good times, of course) and sewed us the faux sinkcover (under that is just a bunch of rusty, old pipes and weird wiring)! It's just attached to the sink with some sticky velcro, haha, but has literally transformed the room, and has quickly become my bathroom (josh has pretty much laid claim to the upstairs one, haha):

a small bathroom rug complete the scene, i promise

this saturday we're hiring a local artist to paint our hallway and bedroom, because we don't have a ladder, and i'm too lazy to do (i'll paint the office and upstairs/downstairs bathrooms, though), after which its just putting some finishing touches on things! there's a pattern i want to do on the wall in our office, we have some serious cord-control to figure out in our desk area, and our upstairs bathroom needs a little more thinking, but otherwise…i think it's time to settle in!

i'm a huge, disgusting nester. it's kind of a problem.

otherwise i'm almost done with all the 'projects' i had in mind when we moved in. coming into this place and seeing it as almost one big art project has been really cool, and its amazing that we've really only been here 9 months! people still come in and are amazed at how lived-in it looks, haha.

one of the other awesome things was that my parents brought back in the large format printer that i had bought off a friend from ringing about a year after graduation. it prints up to 13"x19" borderless (ee!), but i've never been able to use it, and eventually asked to store it at my parents place about a year-and-a-half before moving, because it just seemed silly to be living around. now, though, we have some desk space for it, et voila! i finally sat down and made sure all the plugs worked, installed the drivers on my computer and ordered new ink (oof, i'll be paying that off for a while).

my plan is to get more into etsy selling. i've so far sold about 100$-worth of recipe cards, which i had left over from the xmas gift i made for my mom/friends two christmases ago. at this point i've made back what it costed me to get them printed, with the potential (at the price i sell them) to make 2-3x that much. however, marketing is definitely a big deal—nobody wants to go to someone's page, see an item, then click through to see 'what else they sell', only to see…that's it.

on top of that (and with the ever-approaching advent of 'finishing' my projects on the apartment) i think it'll be a good use of time. it's been a while since i designed (or drew?) anything 'for the fun of it', and when i try i can feel the proverbial joints creaking. i've also had a few weird moments on weekends where i didn't have something 'to do' for some project around the house, and it's left me feeling a little…harumph-ish. like, without something 'to do', what do i do? so far i've managed to catch up on the last few months-worth of movies (hello, yesterday.), and i've started more seriously reading  wolf hall , which up until now i've had a hard time digging into. i feel bad having slowed down in reading (and seriously ramped-up in watching TV—Doctor Who is one thing, but i'm ashamed to say i'm caught up on how i met your mother, and am about halfway through season 2 of the west wing…blech, tv is so mind-numbing!), so fingers crossed i can get through one or two a month at least.

anyways! back to the printing plan: i need to go check out some papers, and then figured i'd do some designs and size them out to 8.5x11/11x17/13x19, and let people tell me what size they want them at. now, i can easily just print on-demand, so i just have to figure out a cheap way to get some art tubes and find out what that shipping generally nation-wide is so i can accurately price stuff!

it's kind of exciting, to know that i'm doing it for fun, with a distinct possibility of making some cash on the side from it. and hopefully it'll be a good instigator to more seriously get into some design projects. i need to keep on top of my portfolio (which still, to me, feels really amateur), and part of that means doing some badass things for the sake of it, to help pad it out/make it relevant. work work work.

i've stopped being a total hardass about working out, at least until it stops being 18-feels-like-7-degrees outside, and instead want to focus all that energy (and it's a lot, trust me) on actually making things, instead of constantly cutting myself down. positivity!
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[02 Jan 2013|11:10pm]
2013, you hath arrived!

2012 was kind of crazy when i think back and reflect:

left the first job i ever had out of college for a risky startup, was laid off for the first time, and found the job i'm currently at. i left my first apartment in new york city ever to move in with my boyfriend, leaving the island and into brooklyn. i did so much traveling and saw so many people and did so many things by the time the summer was over, i felt like i hadn't recharged at all. i got through hurricane sandy without any damage, did a TON (too much? haha) of family bonding over thanksgiving and christmas, saw my dad put in the hospital twice in as many weeks, and rang in the new year with 11 of my closest friends, belting songs out into the night from my friend's rooftop.

but 2013! josh hates resolutions, but i think there's a lot of power in the concept of rebirth, of wiping the slate clean. i very much needs situations like that to help get me started, or else i could easily let every past year continue to bog me down. so! this year:

- finish painting the entire apartment, in exactly the way i want to. it's a rental, but i'm an artist!
- get myself into god damn shape. even if it's not 4 miles every day, i need to do something physical each day. today, on my 'stolen moment' last day of the last week-and-a-half vacation, i went to bed bath and beyond to get a few things to better organize this place, but also got one of those pullup bars that hooks into your doorframe...anyways, we'll see!
- figure out an eating system!! i put so much garbage into my body, it's time to turn that around
- plan a big trip! meg says machu pichu, which is another great reason to get into shape (a week of hiking, carrying your own shit on your back!)
- update my portfolio. it still feels like the portfolio of someone fresh out of school—i need to invest some significant time into making it much more 'professional'.
- save a buttload more money. i didn't hit my financial goal for the end of this year, so i'm on lockdown from now until i can hit that goal. thankfully i'm hoping to spend a lot of this winter laying low, working out, and hanging out in my beautiful apartment!

speaking of the APARTMENT...it's beautiful! meg and i painted it saturday or something close to it (funny how dates all blur together on vacation), and it's AMAZING how much more like 'ours' it feels. i'm a pretty good interior designer, so i've been irked that after almost a full year of living here, everything still felt disjointed. but wait! there's my answer: shitty wall colors mean that all the pieces have nothing to pull them together. I'm also constantly amazed at how not hard-ish painting is, compared to what a huge difference it makes!

it's also funny, but i've started watching doctor who (amazing!)—josh started when i was around season 3-4, so we've been watching separately (him upstairs, me down), and it boggles my mind that people live together in the proximity where they have no chance to get away from each other. i love josh to death, and love when we do stuff together, but i love me time too! and i love that we both can have 'me' time, together, separately. so much better than having to leave for your own home.

anyways, i hope everyone had a splendid end-of-the-year, and here's to a better year moving forward! it's been sad, people have been dropping off my friendslist like flies (i find myself more and more attracted to tumblr, though i do understand it's a different kind of conversation to read), but i do hope anyone left reading this still feels compelled to write, even if it's only a fraction of what we once did! it would be sad for it to be an end of an era...
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[05 Dec 2012|10:41pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

i have started running again! there's something about the new year that makes it easier...like i've got this clean slate devoid of disappointment and let-downs and excuses, to try to carve something new i've never seen before! it's made easier that my best friend from growing up also lives in brooklyn, about 1.5 miles away—our plan is that, i leave my house and run to her house, then we both run back to my house, where i leave her and she runs back to her house. rinse, repeat, switching starting positions. throw in a couple of weekend runs somewhere 'new' (park, in the city, whatever), and, fingers crossed, i can work off the 25-35 pounds i'm hoping to lose! though, it's not about the number, and much more about the silhouette. i want to wear whatever i want, and actually feel good in it! not like 10 pounds in a 5 pound bag. and i can't even imagine what the summer here will be like without hauling around the insulation all this extra weight affords...skimpy dresses for staying cool, less insulation, feeling confident like i never have before...that is my goal for 2013. and if i get there and find that the work it takes to upkeep (or the things i've had to cut out of my life) aren't worth it, then at least i did it, and hopefully i can put this body image demon to rest!

my first foray out was a total of 5.5 miles, though only about 4.17 of them were running (we walked around a bit, because my friend didn't have it in her to run back, and we decided to keep walking to give her a few more miles of movement, and then make food at my house). i'm thinking i'm going to pick one day a week to wake up early and do that run, too...perhaps friday, so that if i spend all day tired, i know when i get home i can hardcore crash if i want to, and that i have the whole weekend ahead of me! ideally i'd do these runs every morning, but my work schedule is so unlike a normal one, it's easy to fall into bad habits (i basically make my own schedule; could get in at noon and leave at 8 if i really wanted to). i'd have to get to work MUCH earlier than anybody else on my team to run am runs with my friend, but it would be SUPER nice to leave around 5 most days i didn't have work, and to know post-work that my life was my own, to do whatever with!

i'm also attempting to take control of my hair. i've been doing a limited showering regime for about a year and a half now (showering once a week). i know that sounds gross, but i'm not a smelly person (and before you say it no, it's not that i can't smell myself....i just, don't smell; it takes a really long time to build to up that). my hair has always been very greasy, yet with tons of fly-aways and a lot of static. i found out early last summer that the bulk of my hair was actually dry from overshampooing to combat the grease, which only comes back with a greater vigor when you strip it all away! i don't have it in me to do all this no poo stuff (mixing baking soda and apple cider vinegar before each shower does not sound like a recipe for sustained use for me), but i have been cutting down the showering to about once a week, and only shampooing/conditioning my hair that way. now, though, i'm going to need to shower after every run, which is fine for my body (i do full body lotion to combat a typical dryness), and now can really massage my roots and do only a conditioning, to help get some moisture in there, without actually stripping anything away. makes for not a lot of days with hair down, which is the other thing i'm trying (no more flipping my head upside down and rubbing the hair in a towel, or towel turbans, and minnniimmalll blowdrying (made easier when i shower at night), as i've heard constantly putting your hair up always contributes to breakage, so that's a fine balance to strike. i might have to invest in some paraban/silicone free shampoo and start using a little more on my roots to get at least a few days with it down before i have to do some elaborate braid...meh.

2013 is the year for taking control of myself! i'm going to only do design projects for myself, and say no to a lot more things so that i can be selfish for a while. i want abs! i want an actual core! i want to do yoga, and go on runs because they make me feel good and not just because i feel like i'm 26 and should be in the best shape of my life, and instead i'm a soft, sad blob. and i want to go to bed because i'm tired, and fullfilled, and sleep through the night, and wake up fresh and ready to do anything!

that's not asking a lot, right? pffff....

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[02 Dec 2012|12:09pm]
oh god. oh god oh god oh god.

the books have been ordered. 12 of them. and to cash in on blurb's 25%-off-your-order (which ends tomorrow), instead of ordering one as a test book, i had to order them all. which means i'm basically flying blind.

woosh. designing things for real life (vs. the web) is so stressful. all that money on the line, and what if i messed up one thing? there's no going back.

well at least now i can schedule some time with the silkscreening guy, and this project will be put to rest! it'll be nice to not have anything to do™ post-work for a while..hoping once this freelance project (which is basically paying for the books, haha) is over, it'll be just chillin' out pour moi.

sometimes, though, after having my time occupied for so long, i get a weird sense of...i dunno, loss i guess? like, when i have something to work around, it gives my days a driving momentum (even if that momentum is avoiding said project, haha). well, from here on out that driving momentum has to be working out, because god damnit i need to lose this weight once and for all—no more being winded going up the subway stairs! time to find a half marathon to train for or something...

oh god i ordered them all oh god oh god.
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[30 Oct 2012|12:08pm]
we made it through sandy! only lost internet around 10 last night, and it's back now, so huzzah!

i've never been more happy to have moved to brooklyn—the island is almost completely without power, and all the bridges/tunnels are shut down! though, that does mean...that work is cancelled! i think technically i should be working from home but, i'm going to give it a day-ish or two before i really start to get serious.

that said, my thoughts go out to everyone who has seen devastation in the wake of this storm! we were so lucky, but could just as easily not have been. some people lost their lives, while we just lost internet, so while it is nice to sleep in late during the week, it's a somber kind of nice. new york gets a bad rap for being full of mean assholes, but already people on my newsfeed are asking about where they can volunteer to help start to pick up the pieces. we'll get through this!
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